Once upon a time, in a far away land, there was a princess who secluded herself in an ice castle…
No, this is not a fairy tale, sorry, but it is a story about a princess who feared the world and hid away in a tower, in her metaphorical ice castle.
One thing you should know about me is I tend to not like people. I mean yes, I’m attracted to a lot of people, and i have some friends that I consider close and acquaintances, but when it comes to actually letting myself like someone, i just don’t. I have a very specific list of qualities that the people in my life must have in order for me to trust them and consider them “worthy”. What’s even worse, for a very long time I didn’t give others the chance to like me.
I’m extremely proud, sometimes to the point of being arrogant and I have a hard time admitting when I’m wrong. One of my close friends is constantly calling me out for the fact that I never flat out admit when i’m wrong, but rather I’ll start saying things like “yeah, maybe” or “i guess”, never a clear “you’re right” or “i’m wrong”.
For a very long time, I felt that being single was the way to a happier life. Yes, I went out on a few dates here and there, and dated around a little, but never to the point where I’d let anyone really get to know me. I can’t remember the last time I let someone, other than my 5 closest friends or my family, see me cry.
Being single was easier. It meant not having to put myself in a position where i could potentially get hurt. Being single meant I only had to consider myself in any decision i took. Want to move? Go ahead. Want to stay in and watch Netflix all weekend? Do it. Want to not show up at your place for days and just go off grid for a while? Yep, you guessed it, you can do it. Life seemed easier that way; just me, myself and I. The truth is, it got lonely after a while. Don’t get me wrong, even on the better days, I’ve loved having my own space and being alone, but i fooled myself into thinking that i longed for solitude when in fact I was just scared.
For the longest time, I didn’t like myself too much. In part due to the constant criticism and lack of recognition I felt coming from home, in part due to bad relationships where I wasn’t getting what I needed but giving all I had or where i allowed myself to be dragged into situation where a guy that declared his love to me one day, proposed to another girl the next, but mostly, due to the fact that I’ve always been too hard on myself.
I have always wanted to be perfect, but also knew that “perfect” was unachievable. So i gave up without even trying. I let myself hate my reflection on the mirror, hate my voice, hate my thoughts. I let myself go, and not just in the physical sense. I lost myself. I was tired of not being enough for my parents’ expectations, for my teachers’ expectations, for my friends’ expectations, classmates’ expectations... Hell, I didn’t even feel like I was enough for myself. I was tired of not feeling like I was not enough. The fear of letting people find out my many flaws was greater than my desire to overcome them, so I did what seemed the easiest at the time and stopped caring.
I build an impenetrable wall around my heart and taught myself how to not need and not miss people. I was good with just a few close friends, I was good with having a weird, strained relationship with my parents and siblings. I was good with living in my own little island. Sadly, the famous saying is true: no man is an island, and sooner rather than later i ended up wanting all those things that for almost 2 years I managed to avoid.
I’m better now. I’m slowly re-learning what I’d forced myself forget. So far, this past ten months have been quite, interesting… I may not love my job, and I certainly don’t love the place where I live, but I can finally say that I love myself again, or at least i’m trying to, every single day. I’m more open to feelings and human interaction. I talk to the people I love more than I ever did before. I’m noticing the change in myself, even if others around me don’t notice it yet, I do and that’s what really matters.
Of course, having been the princess in the castle, secluded from the world for the about two or so years, I’m terrified of everything. It’s a weird mix of fear and excitement. Everything feels new again, but the memory of heartbreaks past is still very much in my mind.
I’m scared of getting hurt again, not only by the people I chose to include in my life, but by myself. There’s so many parallels between this moment in my life and the time before I became Elsa (yes, from the movie Frozen), that it’s hard to not be scared. Of course, there is also one big difference, and that’s me. This time around i’m prepared to deal with heartbreak or losing friends, or petty fights with family members; this time around I know it won’t break me, because like Britney quite adequately sang, I’m stronger. Letting myself be weak, or what I thought was weak, has actually made myself stronger and a better version of myself. I know now that a bump in the yellow brick road won't send me spiraling down and running back to my ice castle.
Instead of running back and hiding when something goes wrong, I have decided to take inspiration from Dorothy (and I don’t just mean the amazing, sparkly red shoes) and let myself make mistakes, let myself fix those mistakes, and let myself keep walking on the yellow brick road that will take me back home, with the knowledge that I am better because of those mistakes.
I am by no means perfect, and I am pretty sure that I will never be close to it. The truth is, I think perfection is vastly overrated. Though it took me a while to figure this out, it is now one of my strongest beliefs. I rather think of myself as a masterpiece in the making, constantly being edited and altered, than as a completed work of art. Perfection is good to strive for, but not good to obsess over. I strive to be the best version of myself as possible, but I will fail over and over again. I will remain imperfect, and so will the people around me. This isn’t something that scares me anymore.
Xo,
C.
The Wizard of Oz.