For the second time in a week, I find myself alone and crying at 1 am. Thank G’d I remembered to wash my face this time though, so there’s no ugly mascara lines running down my face. I’ve always been a very passionate person, I get all worked up in a fight really quickly and let things escalade form 0 to 1000 in less than 5 seconds. I constantly make the mistake of not really thinking what comes out of my mouth, so if my first thought was “you’re a fucking asshole” that’s exactly what I’m going to say.
Of course, half a second after i finish saying it i realize how bad I screwed up and try to fix things, only to end up making them worse. I’ve ruined so many friendships and relationships because of my broken brain-to-mouth filter. I push, and push, and push, and sometimes even say things that I know will hurt the other person, and once I realize my mistake its too late. The damage is done. What i always fail to realize, is that by blurting out the first idiotic thing I can think of, I’m really just hurting myself. (Remember when I said I’m alone, crying at 1am? Yeah.)
I’m not good with relationships. All these years of rom-coms and books and prince charming-type characters on TV have completely ruined my level of expectations. I grew up wanting a guy to sweep me off my feet, to come in his white horse and save me from my evil mother; a guy that will give me flowers for no real reason and that will give me cute, cheesy pet names and just shout to the whole world how happy he is that I’m his. I grew up being trated like a princess, so it was the obvious thing that I wanted my prince.
Of course, when you’re in an on-again-off-again relationship with a guy that is nothing like you imagined your prince charming would be (but you’re still sure he is that prince charming) coping with reality can be a nightmare. When he hates PDAs, pet names and just the whole concept of being overly sweet, its hard to realize what you have. I kept putting my expectations first and comparing him to a “perfect man” standard I had in my head for the last 20 years, and he always lost againt that ideal. He was amazing, though.
At the time, I was too blind to realize how much he had given up fro me, and how he kind of really was exactly what I needed. He balanced out my overbearing affection with his non-affection, He kept me level-headed, he was my rock, my support system. He was the first person I texted when I woke up, and the last before I went to bed. I speak in past tense, because I’m pretty sure I ruined it.
I let my anger and frustration get the best of me, and instead of just talking to him and trying to get over said anger and frustration, I let them take over and turn me into the wicked witch of the west. I said things that, although true, we’re probably better left unsaid, or at least, unsaid for now. I hurt him yet again, and I’m terrified that maybe this time I pulled the rubber band too far. I’m scared I might have lost him for good this time. I said some pretty awful things, and maybe, just maybe he wont be able to forgive me this time.
So here I am, 1:41 am, sitting in bed, puffy-eyed, wishing I could take it all back, maybe even turn back time and stop myself from spewing out my venom during that first fight we had so many months ago. I screwed up big time, and I only hope I learn in time to save myself (and the other person) some humiliation and pain the next time.
-C.