Sometimes it all feels like a dream; like i wasn’t really there, in that poorly lit bar drinking your long island iced teas and eating cherries, or sitting on that bench while we tried to figure out what to do on a Sunday at 1am. It all feels as though you were never there, looking at me like no one has ever looked at me before, as if though I imagined it all. I see the pictures, and see how happy we both looked, and i can’t help but think “Am I going crazy? Did this really happen?” One day everything was perfect, and the next you shut me out.
I was falling for you, I really was. I know trying to make something work would’ve been hard, really hard, but I was up for the challenge. Those hours we spent together, those long conversations on Skype, those endless texts at 3 am, I wanted that. I wanted that with you, but you were too scared. You were scared of getting hurt, of ruining something that seemed too good to be true. You were scared of trying something new, and maybe even scared of it actually working out. Who knows… All I’m sure of right now is that I miss you. I try not to think of it, I try to erase everything from my mind, but you’re still there. That stupid beanie is still in my closet, waiting to be worn again.
I get that I’m not an easy person to deal with. I have a temper from hell, I’m spoiled rotten and like to get my way all the time. I’m not used to having a guy’s attention, I’m not used to that kind of affection, and the only way I’ve known how to deal with things like this is by putting up walls. I put up walls and traps and ask trick questions, hallf of me hoping you’ll succeed, and the other half waiting for you to prove all my fears right. I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. I too, was scared. I was scared, probably of the same things you were, but I was willing to let go of those fears.
I meant what I said that day. Maybe i didn’t exactly love you yet, but I was sure as hell starting to. Everything that day just felt right. I felt at home when you hugged me, and when you kissed me sparks flew. I saw fireworks, just like the movies. When you held my hand and squeezed it, i felt safe and when you looked at me, your eyes looking directly at mine, for the first time in a long time I didn’t want to hide away. You saw right through me.
You gave me my happy ending from a movie, the one I’d always wanted. You gave me my walk down Broadway on a snowy night; you gave me a real-life rom-com ending moment. Of course at the time I wasn’t aware it would be exactly that, an ending. Because romantic movies never show what happens after the couple kisses and the ending scene fades out to the end credits. Movies don’t show the break-ups, and the tears, and the hurt.
You made me happy, maybe it wasn’t for as long as I would’ve liked, but you truly made me happy. You made me smile and feel like I was the most beautiful girl in the world. You made me feel special and like I could do anything. Thank-you. Thank-you for all those smiles, and laughs and for ignoring your friends to stay on the phone or on Skype with me a little longer. Thank-you for all the texts, and the cute nicknames and the cheesy comments that I pretended to hate but actually loved. Thank-you for everything, because although it ended, no one can take those memories away from me.
“The end of a melody is not its goal: but nonetheless, had the melody not reached its end it would not have reached its goal either. A parable.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
-C.